my diary ⋆⭒˚.⋆


11.15

wearing an "I LOVE CD-ROMS" tshirt today and the barista said "what's a cd-rom?" 💔


11.13

i actually can't get over the fact that my 24 year old cousin got married this summer and she was waiting until marriage so the women in my family were talking with her about birth control and she was confidently like "we are doing natural family planning" (for anyone not in the know, hardcore catholics don't believe in medical birth control) and then she got pregnant on her wedding night. like okay bella swan


already talked about this at length with @punkreflex but i can't stop thinking about it.

__

shuffling around the office this morning thinking things like "these leopard print tabis are wasted on the people here..." like okay calm down goob from meet the robinsons (couldn't decide if i needed to add that qualifier, do the bloggers of flounder know goob by name alone?)


11.10

at almost midnight last night someone knocked really loud on our front door, we looked out the window and saw it was this maintenance guy that's helped us several times so we opened the door and he was insisting we called the emergency after hours number bc our heat was broken....we kept telling him it wasn't us and he was like "are you sure? are you POSITIVE?" and i was finally like do you have the name or phone number of this person?? and he played the voicemail for us and it was some man saying he lived in 1007 and we are 1107...ben was like that's a different apartment and he stared at the number on our door for a minute before finally saying "okay sorry" and leaving lmao. my adrenaline was up after that but luckily i still ended up sleeping well.


in other news my conch piercing is healing really well i'm so glad i got it! i put off getting a new piercing for so long bc my nostril was a pain in the ass to heal, but this one has been such a breeze i'm already planning more ear piercings.


my plans for after work today are to watch vanillamace's new vlog and rest, maybe take a nap...and i will not beat myself up for just chilling


11.7

i keep going back and forth on this but honestly i feel like i've been going through a really hard time recently and for no discernable reason. i don't wish i was in a crisis but in some ways when that is the source of my anxiety it's better bc i feel like i can work towards (or fantasize about) an ultimate solution/relief or at least i can blame all my emotional problems on whatever i'm going through. but it's like right now there's really nothing externally bad going on with me so i just sit around and think way too much about myself.


i keep psyching myself out too bc i will have good days or moments and be like oh i'm making it up that i am kind of losing it right now, but then my mood will change drastically within an hour. i had a moment like a week ago where i went to pick up a prescription and i was wearing a wack outfit and hadn't showered, like looking visibly unkempt, and when i walked in i immediately saw this old man in overalls playing the lottery and i almost burst into tears. i was walking around the grocery store in this daze to get to the pharmacy inside and i had this moment where i realized that i looked (and felt) absolutely insane - the kind of vibe where people are avoiding walking close to me or making eye contact. but then the next day i was able to put myself together so it felt like i made up that entire event in my head. i even just realized that was monday and i thought it was last week. idk.


and i hate it bc i know the solution is i need to help myself - i need to form better habits, talk about my emotions more to others, journal, probably get some professional help too. but it just feels too daunting to begin all that when i can't complete basic needs. but it makes me more mad at myself bc there is nothing i hate more than someone complaining about an issue theyre not attempting to fix at all, and thats how i feel like i am being.


i am ultimately going to be okay though, i dont want anyone to read this and worry about me bc i do have people supporting me. i just need to start taking the steps to help myself :/


11.4

limmy is an a-list celeb to me and i get confused when other people don't know who he is..


10.16

up to nothing at all lately....spending way too much time thinking about myself and not doing anything i want to. i really want to start painting again, i feel like my creative side died years ago. i have to go to my parents house to pick all my old art supplies up and assess what is still useable which is daunting, but i just need to do that soon.


9.24

feeling low confidence and anxious lately.....hate having to fight off my own thoughts in my brain.


i think once i reach perfection in stardew i'll start a new fallout playthrough, probably new vegas...i can't wait for the next season of the show to air!


9.18

IMG_7783.png

only note i have on my flounder hiatus...


took the day off tomorrow for my partner's birthday and i'm excited! they don't particularly love receiving gifts but i love giving them, so i always try to think of something practical (like a need or food or something handmade), but this year i just went ham at lush and i'm feeling good about it tbh. feels like a happy medium because fancy bath products aren't necessary but like you're going to need soap and conditioner no matter what so why not have it be bougie...my mom also got them a really good gift so that's one point for monique, but she actually cancelled herself out by accusing us of spilling something on the kitchen blinds months ago and never telling her? (the blinds have been stained for years)


i've gone on a walk every day this week and it's been helping me sleep sooo much better. i've also been going crazy on stardew valley, and i finished reading Perfume: The Story of a Murderer. it was amazinggg the ending was not what i expected.


goals right now are to keep up with reading more and not go insane 👍


8.16

had a good day today! ben and i tried out a new cafe and i had an amazing matcha brownie. i've just been playing stardew valley for hours since then tbh. for my late dinner i am contemplating whether to make a smashburger or nachos...i've been better about cooking at home lately. i learned how to dupe wingstop ranch and that's been a game changer....


having lots of Thoughts about where i want to be in the next few years. physically. in another state. i'm trying not to do that thing i do though where once i am content i decide i'm actually not and i create an issue for myself. i don't think i'm necessarily doing that though, it's something that's been simmering in my mind for years and i don't think it's bad to consider especially as many of my friends are doing the same. maybe this is just a being in your 20s thing. overall i am good right now, i just need to remember to be in the moment more and give myself grace.


8.14

desperately trying to figure out the social implications of skipping this "optional" work lunch to celebrate a Big Boss's birthday (where i would have to pay for my own takeout meal at imo's, which is not celiac safe) keep me in your thoughts


8.12

family trip to oregon was a success...i am still recovering mentally as well as physically from the flights and drinking more than i have in the last year over 4 days...


i wasn't sure how i was going to feel once it was all said and done, idk it's too long to explain here but i have a complicated relationship with OR and my mom becomes an actual psychopath whenever we visit, and then takes it out on me..just one example: on my second day there 14 different family members were flying in and she had told me ahead of time i might have to pick someone up which i was fine with. but then the day of she expected me to wait for hours at the airport for various people to arrive and make multiple trips to take each of them to their airbnbs even though idk uber exists? and so many other people there had cars? and she did not ask my brother and his gf to pick anyone up. and then she got angry with me and expressed i was being a brat when i said i wasn't going to spend all day chauffeuring people around and waiting at the airport.


i wonder if she would always be this crazy if we still lived there. i really dont know.


but otherwise, i really had a good time. we did so much and saw so many family members i haven't seen in years, ben did a ranking of my mom's 5 siblings and their spouses afterwards which was hilarious to me. they have officially met all but 3 of my cousins now.


idk my family is huge and crazy and sometimes i dont know how to feel about it all, i think i've always been overall grateful for them but i felt a new, adult sense of appreciation this time. we were there for my cousins wedding, and her new husband made this incredibly sweet speech where he talked about being an only child and how grateful he feels to be accepted into such a large, loving family and to have a brother, sister, and a bunch of cousins now is amazing to him. ben said it was the first wedding they've been to where they didn't think "the bride could do so much better" which was real lol.


another funny thing to me was that ben and i stayed out the latest almost every night with everyone (earned some brownie points fr) and we were like when did we become these people??? we have really grown and changed soo much together over the years it's crazy...


overall i had a really great time, today i will be acclimating back into my life with much to ponder.


7.23

i have been anxiously awaiting the arrival of our pest control guy for hours since they told me he could show up from 2:00 - 4:00 and now it's almost 4:00....i am tired of living in brown recluse city!!


yesterday i finally bought a bookshelf and i am so excited to get it set up. i was thinking about cataloging my book collection on here, could be fun and will be easier to do once i've unpacked everything finally!


tonight my brother is coming over for dinner and a movie, i'm not sure what we will watch yet he said he has a list of ideas. i'm sure it will be something funky and/or scary!


7.21

fun things i have been doing lately:


that is basically a recap of my weekend, and my past few weekends in fact.


new job is still jobbing. something i like about it is pretty much every day i have a few independent tasks that i start the morning with, so i just plug into those while listening to music and before i realize it it's already time for my lunch break.


7.18

having a lot of thoughts lately that feel hard to put into words....i've been very busy with my new job but it has been fulfilling so far! i am learning a lot and also getting levels of respect and responsibility that are unfamiliar to me. the term "imposter syndrome" has been rattling around in my brain but idr want to get into that. not sure if it's even accurate to my situation.


i am going to visit my extended family in oregon in a few weeks and i get more excited as the trip approaches....i really need a break and to see some mountains and the ocean. my partner is coming too and i think it's going to be really amazing.


things have been looking up for me which makes me inherently suspicious. but i am trying to cast that feeling aside!


7.9

guys i'm in office today and forgot my airpods at home fml. and my wallet. and my boss won't stop telling me how sad he is that i'm leaving.


7.7

today i have been battling with myself on whether or not to get wingstop after work. i think i will. work has been fine today, last day in office with @punkreflex RIP....i start my new role on thursday! i am excited and a little nervous. mostly i just can't wait to start, it feels like i have been waiting forever.


my new journal came in the mail this weekend! it's a red moleskine with plain pages. i'm really excited to crack it open, i just haven't made time to sit down and do it yet. i believe in carrying a journal or book around with you everywhere even if you're not using it all the time. idk it feels nice to get familiar with it. i've been doing that with perfume: the story of a murderer and it's sooo good. i read a lot this weekend. it's just a bad book to read when you are eating lol it's very gross.


7.3

reflecting on susan boyle today. was anybody else shown that in school? i remember my teachers being like yep i know you all judged her bc she is hideous but guess what she can sing. learn from this. and i was like damn she looks like a normal older lady to me and also older women can sing like have none of you seen a church choir before? idk that was such a bizarre pop culture moment


just googled her and she is still recording and selling albums through simon cowell's record label! good for her


6.30

today in our morning huddle i said i did nothing this weekend when my boss called on me and then he asked if i at least watched a movie and i said no bc i didn't want to share that i watched Crash (1996) and he came to talk to me afterwards about being so shy and how i need to open up more and how he is worried about me not opening up in my next job that i start in two weeks lol. second time so far he has brought this up to me btw im betting he hits 6 times before i start there.


it's actually so funny to me that no one here can tell when im just irritated or bored and they all think im so quiet and introverted. maybe the first time in my life ive been accused of being shy so routinely, how do you shy people handle this?? i'm more used to being told im loud and annoying and talk too much


i don't want to be so negative i want to be positive but i hate this place so bad i can feel my spirit weakening when i turn into the parking lot!!!!


anyways flounder special i will really tell you all what i did this weekend: i had plans with my brother on friday night to watch a movie but unfortunately he had to cancel bc he felt sick. my partner and i ended up going to barnes and noble after work, i was looking for a new moleskine journal bc i decided to take up journaling again but the one i wanted was not in person so i ordered it online. instead i bought the aforementioned Crash (Criterion collection half off!!!), a pokemon movie pack for my partner, and Perfume: The Story of a Murderer by Patrick Süskind. the movie was amazing and the book is very interesting so far!! i also tried a new amazing cheese this weekend, a garlic chipotle cheddar gruyere. we also went out to dinner saturday night, played acnh, and i cooked several delicious meals. last but not least i did a new set of nails before bed yesterday. yayyy the end.


6.26

partner and i have been toying with the idea of adopting a "killer beast" to help us with our spider problem...then a dead bird shows up on our doorstep...is this a stray cat's application?


6.25

haven't even been at work for an hour and i'm already bored out of my mind. this does not bode well for me.


6.21

everything's coming up foreverdirt....


yesterday i found out i got the job!!!! i don't start for like three weeks but i'm so excited! this is a huge step for me ^_^


then i went to my wisdom teeth consultation and after waiting an hour the doctor came in and told me he doesn't recommend i get them removed :o i've been stressed out about that for years now...


my partner took me to get mexican food to celebrate and i had a delicious spicy margarita and then we grocery shopped a little and came home and watched our favorite streamers. i just feel so relieved and happy, it's like many weights have been lifted off my shoulders <3


6.19

haven't updated my diary in a while sorry ik you were all anxious about it...


i'm doing well, just in a holding pattern as i wait to hear back if i got the job or not. nothing to really say on it, just that waiting sucks. i am proud of myself no matter what though, and i feel more prepared now for any other more high-level interviews in the future.


last night my brother came over for dinner and we watched eraserhead afterwards. it was so much fun!! i've always been close with my brothers but sometimes, especially as an adult, i worry that i can be overbearing lol. well ik i can be but it's just the oldest sibling in me. but it went really well and i was telling him when i said goodbye that he can come over anytime and he was like "yeah i'd be down to do this again next week" :D which made me feel so good bc that was even sooner than i was thinking. i'm always so so grateful for my brothers and the bond we have <3


this morning i went out to get coffee because i'm out of milk to make it at home, and it's so nice outside i felt very cheerful. tomorrow i have a half day at work to go get my wisdom teeth consultation yayyy! feeling less scared about it now that i actually have an appt set up and the person who helped me on the phone was very nice and reassuring. okay that's all for now ttyl!


6.13

second round interview is on monday lets go!!!!!


after grocery shopping last night, i made a list on the fridge of all the meals i want to make this week and it's making me excited to cook. tonight is vegan "chicken" with garlic mashed potatoes and homemade ranch dressing.


two new sonny angels coming in the mail today then that's IT for a while i promise...


6.12

had a bad stress dream last night, tired af this morning! hoping my coffee cures me.


last night was good, i went to dinner with my partner's family and it was actually very enjoyable. they also came to see the apartment finally so i'm glad that box can be checked. i was worried about the conversation being stale or me having to talk too much about my life and work but i realized at the end of the night their sister and mom had talked almost the whole time. it was good though, not in a bad way, they went on a bucket list trip and were giving all the details and showing so many pictures. i felt happy for them.


and now i have leftover pizza for lunch today <3


6.10

have a song from clone high stuck in my head baaaad. that's one of the best shows ever fr #nerd


6.9 (hehe)

practicing not beating myself up by being gracious instead!!! good things that happened today:


6.6

my word of the month is fortuitous. extremely fortuitous things have been happening to me. examples:


6.3

really thought i'd be logging more of my dreams on here but i've realized a dream journal is very revealing it's kind of like posting your astrological chart in the way of inviting others right into your psyche. no one else stop sharing your dreams though i want to keep psychoanalyzing you.


6.2

boss asked me on a walk and then talked about how he's worried about multiple young women's weight in the office like okay just say it to my face? also i got all sweaty and stinky bc it's 80 degrees out like if you're trying to ruin my life just say that.


--


mindset today is remembering when i was accused of being "addicted to jobs" about a year ago.


trying to assess what a normal level of anxiety is for the things i am currently experiencing. surely it's lower than how i feel. but what am i to do but push myself? i feel so trapped in my head and my life and i have to be uncomfortable to change!!


i had a pretty blissful weekend...i just feel so lucky in loveeee idc i guess that's corny af and maybe no one wants to hear it but it's been 8 years together and i feel like we only get better every year. honeymoon phase who?


i have been exercising regularly (for me) (which is every few days) and wow that feels good. my mental state is so anxious but i am trying to be grateful for my life and treat my body with care!


also i am wearing some jangly bracelets today that keep clanging together and i think it's pissing my boss off a little lmao. i thought they would be a vibe but maybe not for the office....


5.30

exiting my comfort zone does mean i'm living with a constant stomach ache rn but it is worth it in the long run.


making some big shmoves job wise. also i went to lunch with a coworker today i don't know that well and i'm so glad i did!! she has a very interesting perspective on work and life in general. it made me miss changs and community college, i got to talk to people at both places all the time who led such different lives than me and were of many varying ages. it really gives you a broader outlook on the world. i am in my own bubble too much.


5.28

endocrinologist appointment went well this morning! my arm is still bruised like crazy from getting my blood drawn a week ago..


im not letting myself order more from depop until some of my packages actually start showing up. i also finally listed some of my stuff on there so fingers crossed i get some sales!


i've been trying to work out lately which if you know me you know there's nothing more i detest. i'm just tired of feeling weak! that is my main motivation. also getting winded really easily. i'm just so new to exercising i can't even tell if i'm doing it right if that makes sense...like walking is great exercise that you can't really mess up but sometimes i follow workout videos and idk what im doing at all. everyone wish me luck thank you


5.27

had such a good long weekend, sad to be back at work.


my partner and i celebrated our 8 year anniversary and it was so much fun :) the best part was taking a very long walk together until our feet were so sore and coming home with nothing to do the rest of the night, just relaxing together. i feel so grateful for them.


our kitchen sink/dishwasher has been having a weird issue since we moved in where when you run the water hot for long enough or run the dishwasher long enough there is a really loud rattling noise. it was only happening intermittently for the first few weeks but for a while now it's been happening every single time and the hot water will also just stop running completely. we shouldve just submitted a work order but when we brought it up when we moved in the maintenance guy acted like it was normal...well i finally just googled it and found a youtube video and fixed it myself in 30 seconds!!!


had to add paris to my global clocks on iphone while @punkreflex is in europe....sorry i take her very seriously.


5.22

dentist appointment went well but my mouth still hurts from the flossing and it's been 4 hours....got my blood drawn later and that went a lot better.


i need to get my wisdom teeth out actually fr they are turning sideways. i'm scaaaaared though. i'm really good with medical stuff normally like idc about needles or blood or anything but something about being put under anesthesia is freaking me out. also the recovery period. i've been putting this off for years atp i just have to do it.


about to make a mango banana strawberry smoothie to heal my mouth and my mind


5.21

office superlatives today. i got voted "most likely to complain about job on a microblogging site" should i be worried???


wearing my cardigan and messy bun today in an effortlessly chic way and not in a librarian way.


i got a sonny angel hipper for my phone case and i love it more than i thought i would. genuinely feel joy every time i hold my phone (not good since i'm already a phone addict)


5.20

i have no loyalty to ophthalmologists. i see a handful of doctors regularly but every two years or so i will need an eye appointment and i always go somewhere new and i always have a bizarre experience. i never really remember where i went previously because the names of these offices are so generic, but i also never have a good enough experience that i want to be a repeat customer. yesterday was my latest in strange eye check ups.


first thing that happens after i check in is im facing the wall of glasses waiting to be called back and someone says "foreverdirt, you might not remember me because it's been so long..." bone-chilling statement. instant cold sweat. i turn around and it's a random guy i went to high school with, honestly i think the last time we spoke was middle school not even high school, but he's nice and thankfully i remember his name. we chat for a while and it's chill. i am nervous though because he is a sales associate and he said he can help me out after my appt, and i wanted to get my prescription and dip because i order my glasses online for cheap. he gets called away finally to help a child trying on contact lenses and the doctor calls me back right after that.


the eye doc was an older gentleman, he was doing the thing some old people do when they talk and they kind of hang onto their words and moan/trail off instead of ending a sentence. idk if i can type that out well but hopefully you dear flounder reader know what i mean. well the weirdness starts a few mins into the exam. i tell him im a type one diabetic - normally this is an instant trigger for eye doctors. i need to get my eyes dilated or pictures taken of the back of my eyes bc that can be a bad spot for diabetics, just like our feet. he does not know about this though. he has a lot of questions about my diabetes and why my endocrinologist cares about my eyes. *gulp* he then proceeds to tell me my pupils are so big i don't need to get them dilated and he can jsut look at them normally. never heard this before in my life but i let him do his thang.


his thang involved a procedure that made me so uncomfortable i was genuinely worried i would have to report him afterwards. he put on a mask and picked up a tool and essentially got cheek to cheek with me to look into each of my eyes. it took several long, painful minutes of his face basically pressed against mine. i skedaddled out of there as fast as i could after getting a copy of my prescription. guy from high school was luckily still busy with the contacts kid so i just said bye to him and left without a fuss. i googled the procedure afterwards and apparently its legit, just outdated and mostly used on kids since eye dilation can be painful. when i got home and told my partner, they also told me they have had that procedure done many times, it was just the first that's ever happened to me.


prescription secured, eyes were cleared as healthy, i look forward to two more years out when i have to find yet another eye place. and i know next time to tell them not to do that shit and just dilate my eyes. do any other flounderers consistently have strange eye doctor experiences? is it just my luck?


5.18

anais nïn has a quote/passage for literally everything i've gone through or felt in my life, including my 26th birthday today! #agereveal


I am now twenty-six and have done nothing. No book, no stage career, a lot of unsatisfied desires, and a realization that I am but half of what I hope to be. But I am terribly, profoundly happy, and terribly, profoundly unhappy—I am alive, thank God!


5.17

on a cloud today :-) so grateful for my partner


5.16

i feel like my passion for fashion (haha rhyme) has been reignited recently. it used to be one of the main things i cared about when i was younger. i would try to experiment and wear fun things as a kid but i struggled with it because i was made fun of by my family as well as other kids at school. as a teenager, i really leaned into being feminine. i wanted people to notice me and appreciate what i had going on. my uniform every day for over two years was a dress or crop top & skirt with knee high socks and doc martens. all of my clothes were tight and revealing and often uncomfortable. my favorite compliment was girls telling me "you look so tumblr" lol.


i started to care a little more about comfort as i got older and i also went through a period where i only wanted to wear my partner's clothes when we first started dating. but eventually, i got to a point that lasted several years where i only felt comfortable in oversized, shapeless clothes that covered my body. this was for a variety of reasons, mostly insecurity with the way my body was changing as a young adult.


i also struggled a lot with dysphoria? being sexualized? being a woman? during this time. i am not sure what is appropriate to label this and i don't want to misstep as i consider myself cisgender. but i wished to appear very androgynous and would wear tight sports bras and giant t-shirts all the time to achieve this. it's actually only recently i have kind of stopped this behavior, i still dress like this around my home but i don't typically leave the house this way. but my point is that dressing like that was not a fashion statement, it was very utilitarian.


i think my issues stemmed from 1. outgrowing my teenage style 2. gaining weight and curves in my early 20s 3. no longer wanting the attention that dressing interestingly brings that i used to crave so desperately. my goal presently is to accept my body the way it is without having to flatten or cover everything. i've been enjoying experimenting more with accessories like shoes, hats, jewelry, etc. which has been fun. i am going to get new glasses soon and i think it's worth investing in more than one pair this time which i never normally do! i also want to wear strange and interesting things to wake up that part of me that was stomped out when i was young <3


5.15

every morning i have a homemade iced latte with oat milk and oatmeal cookie creamer and every afternoon i have a diet coke with a true lemon or true lime packet. if i miss one of these my day is irrevocably thrown off.


speaking of the word irrevocably, i've been trying to decide what movie to watch on my birthday this weekend and i was thinking maybe twilight? for my 2020 birthday my partner and i took that whole week to watch all of the twilight movies, it was so fun!!


my birthday movie is an important decision. last year it was black swan. i typically pick something i've already seen and loved but it's not always a favorite movie of all time, just something i'm guaranteed to enjoy.


also i accidentally saw the gift my partner got me when i was retrieving our packages today, i already guessed what it was but i'm soo excited for it! i love gifts!! our anniversary is in two weeks and i think i knocked it out of the park. we have a few youtubers we love watching and one of them has a merch line that is really cool and not corny (it's more like a clothing line that real merch, her name isn't on it anywhere.) i got us matching tshirts that they mentioned wanting to get soon ^_^


5.12

i've been making some questionable depop purchases as of late i'm lowkey addicted to bartering on there...telling myself it's okay because it's the start of my birthday week which famously means i have infinite money


i'm also interested in starting to sell on there but i'm nervous because idrk how to mail a package, like i know how but the post office is scary....not to sound gen z bc i don't identify with that but yeah...


5.11

every sunday evening my neighbor cooks some kind of putrid, fart-smelling meal and it fills my apartment all night long. my best guess is they must be meal prepping? because this is never an issue any other time, but sunday nights it's like clockwork. i feel meal prepping also lends itself to classic farty foods like chicken, broccoli, brussel sprouts, etc.


i don't really know what to do about it and i guess i plan on doing nothing. i cook a lot more often and make my own smelly foods, but i wonder if it seeps into their apartment as well? i think what's most confounding about the situation is it literally smells for hours on end.


5.9

getting secondhand shopping blindness on depop


if anyone is curious about the poem i just posted, i wanted to share this website that helped me write it!


https://classicalpoets.org/2016/12/how-to-write-a-sestina-with-examples/


i haven't really written poetry in the last 6 or 7 years but over the past few weeks i've felt very creative and inspired. i truly think flounder has opened my mind, there are so many amazing artists and writers and creatives of all kinds on here. i feel like i can experiment without judgement or pressure. <3


5.8

getting a lot of catholic vibes today idk why


okay everyone good news, i realized none of my usb ports were working and i restarted my laptop and now the mouse is working again. bad news is i wasted a perfectly fine battery but you win some, you lose most.


first thing that happened this morning is my wireless mouse stopped working so i have to use my laptop touchpad all day, i replaced the battery and everything it's just dead for some reason :/


other than that i am reading about sestina poem format...wacky stuff


5.7

feeling so restless and indecisive and unfulfilled and all over the place. having the urge to yell i'm gonna die!!! but nothing is actually happening to me externally like there's no reason to feel that way. padme type beat.


think it's really bad for me rn to be in six teams meetings a day constantly staring at my own face


5.5

please pray for me and @punkreflex we've been working on one crossword for five hours


5.2

only realized last night i lost my wallet in @punkreflex's car on monday....my partner has been insistent for years i adapt their "keys, wallet, phone" check whenever i leave or enter a place and i fear they finally won that argument.


today i am appreciating all the great usernames on flounder...people get cute and creative on here and i like it


also a day late but happy may! may is my favorite month. i am biased because it is my birthday month, but i always loved it when i was younger because this is when schools let out, plants start blooming, and it gets hot without being the blistering heat of summer quite yet .❀。• *₊°。 ❀°


4.30

when i am on my period the pain is so bad it's actually incommunicable. i will say things like "sometimes it makes me pass out or throw up" or "i've taken so many painkillers i'm worried about the health of my organs" but those are just words and no one really wants to hear about it. it's so bad i actually become convinced that it must not be that bad and i must just have the lowest pain tolerance of any human being. and i still have to show up to work and it's not socially acceptable to tell anyone really beyond the girlies.....


4.29

last night i got home and immediately showered (*see pepsi ass incident) then i made one of the best sandwiches of my life so far...cheddar gruyere, black forest ham, vegan mayo, sweet & hot mustard, and pesto. all toasted in a pan with butter so it was crispy outside and melty inside. yummm! i also found a new youtuber recently that i really enjoy so i watched that while i ate! look forward to my favorite youtuber list dropping soon...


i took this little game that was up for grabs at work and bae and i tried it out when they got home from work in the evening. it's sudoku but with colors not numbers, it's so satisfying because it's these tiny wooden pegs that fit into a board with holes. definitely something i could see a grandparent having. i could imagine myself as a kid just playing with the pegs and sorting them over and over. i guess i could do that as an adult too.


lately i've been getting into games like that, i don't know if you would call them puzzle games or what? like minesweeper, solitaire, crossword puzzles, etc. just stuff that stimulates my brain. i'm mentally training to be able to read a book again. just kidding but not really.


4.28

you'll never guess what i accidentally sat in. hint: @punkreflex drove us to lunch today.


4.26

i hate to say this but having 25g of protein for breakfast is the move.


my mom gave me some mason jars she didn't want and drinking iced lattes out of them significantly improves my mood every time


4.24

day two of no tiktok challenge...i am a warrior


hate when i drink a diet coke and find out it was a stomachache dc and not a medicine dc


4.23

i feel like i desperately need to make a change and i keep going to a career change or moving or something but at the end of the day i will still be myself at a new job or in a new state. grrrrr


i'm going to try not to go on tiktok even once today. i feel pathetic making that a goal and knowing it will be hard for me but it is what it is.


waiting to get up and go to the bathroom until my boss isn't in my line of sight so i can avoid speaking to him. i can't keep the bitchy look off my face lately and that doesn't bode well for my career.


4.22


acwo.jpeg


4.21

i got to work and got on flounder.online and was distraught to see nobody had updated this morning...maybe it's because i am up very early and it's actually my responsibility to early bird post...good morning flouder


yesterday evening i had a lot of fun at my parents' house. i made very good garlicy vegan mashed potatoes that were a hit and i was sent home with an entire bag of leftovers of all the other things my parents cooked. we played board games for a couple hours and i got to cuddle with my cat who i miss living with very much. then bae and i went home and beat KOTOR2...i have many thoughts on the game that i am considering making a dedicated post about. essentially i thought the second game was weak story-wise compared to the first, which shocked me because the popular fan opinion seems to be that the second is better! i see the appeal i guess it just didn't do it for me. still enjoyable as far as video games go though.


last note: flounderers should be grateful i only log my silly and strange dreams. my mind cooks up cronenberg-esque nightmares regularly. but i'll keep those to myself.


4.19

crazy what a good, long night of sleep will do for you...


i'm sipping on my nespresso iced latte listening to spotify on the tv. backseat freestyle by kendrick lamar came on and it's my dad's favorite kendrick song. i was remembering the summer when my brothers and i first played it for him and he would just say "kendrick had a dreaaaaam" all the time lol


tomorrow my partner and i are going over to my parents house for easter dinner and it will just be us four. i think it will be really nice and that's an unfamiliar thought for me. i think my relationship with them has changed a lot over the past few months since i moved out. i wasn't really expecting this but i'm cautiously enjoying it for now.....that's how i enjoy most things. cautiously.


4.18

tabs open on my work laptop rn: spotify - amy winehouse, minesweeper, flounder, vegan mashed potato recipe


had a horrible dream last night. i feel like shinji ikari today.


4.17

i have been addicted to youtube basically since the first time i went on it in fifth grade. i don't think there's a period of my life i wasn't consistently watching youtube and it's strange to me when other people tell me they never go on there or they'll ask me what i even watch...like anything and everything is on there...


4.16

crazy how @punkreflex's bday month has turned into many great meals for me as well


venting about your job is so intoxicating...


4.14

having trouble emotionally regulating at work this morning...i think my job was invented in a lab to torture me specifically


i just know so little that i always am acting as a middle man between my boss and someone else, but the issue is i know less than my boss about the job but more than him about everything else. so a simple email reply turns into a 30 min back and forth. every time.


4.12

alright i am feeling better than earlier. getting ready and putting on a nice outfit helped. when bae got home from work, we went to a coffee shop/restaurant we've never been to before and it was really cool! i got a mint chocolate iced mocha and a sandwich with a lot of veggies and swiss cheese. they got an iced green tea and vegan chorizo burrito. afterwards we went to an antique mall and they bought me a vintage ring <3


when we got home there was a dead bird next to a dead worm on the sidewalk. it was sad but also something straight out of a cartoon.

--

soooo bummed out this morning for no reason, i've been trying to shake this mood since i got up. i was woken up at 8:00 by the grass right outside my bedroom window being mowed and somehow there is still ongoing lawn maintenance happening at 11:33...


it's just hard for me when i feel so uncomfortable in my body as i do lately because it makes me not want to leave my apartment or be seen. i also have been struggling because my go-to pick me up my whole life has been food, so now when i feel like i need to be watching what i eat more and also saving money i feel stuck when i need to cheer myself up. ( /-\ )


i made myself a latte and am doing a fancy face mask before i shower and get ready for the day so hopefully i'll feel better soon


4.11

wearing my off-putting a clockwork orange hoodie in the comfort of my home. had thai food for lunch and it was so good it changed the trajectory of the day. i can't stop thinking about the woman in my 8:30 meeting who unprompted showed us her mug that said "a woman's place is in the white house. hillary 2016" lol


4.9

i would like to announce after days of diligent effort, i have beat my first game of minesweeper (medium size)


4.7

woke up so disoriented this morning i didn't know where my phone was (nightstand where i always keep it) or why it was going off (monday alarm girl) so that was certainly a way to start the day


today has gone by fast in a pleasant way. obviously @punkreflex and i had to debrief all morning along with our lovely coworker who sat with us today!! she can't always sit by us because the people we work for are strange.


i have been getting so easily agitated at work lately, specifically by my boss, but by others as well and i have been reflecting on why. i think the root of it is that i am treated with such a low level of respect compared to what i am used to that it is generally jarring. the last time i really felt like this was when i was a teenager, so the years of maturity and confidence i have gained really make it hard for me to handle now.


as a child/teen i was faced with constant disrespect as i think most children are. this was mostly at school, and i was really used to being talked down to due to my age, lack of experience, etc. obviously i come across individuals now and then that are rude, but once i graduated hs i really haven't faced that in an institutional way. i enjoyed community college and i got along well with my professors. i don't know if all cc are like the one i went to, but the teachers were so kind and on the level. my philosophy prof was in his 60s and took a yoga class that my partner was also in at the cc lol. then at The Restaurant i worked at for 5+ years, the managers were also insane service workers and though i despised some of them i didn't really feel talked down to as if they were above me in some way. expoing the window when ticket times are +45 mins will bond you to someone y'know. my first year in the corporate world i was working with many other people my age, and most of my supervisors were not much older than i was. it was also my supervisor's first management role, so in a lot of ways she was learning as she went with the rest of us.


this promotion has been completely different though. i have been here almost a year (a full year of my life!!) and i am still constantly talked down to and belittled for my age, experience, perceived lack of intelligence, etc. just last week i was effectively cornered by 3 coworkers ranging from 45 to almost 60 years old as they all told me how young i am!!! i have worked with these people for a YEAR. most of them actually don't talk to me about anything outside of my age. and i won't let them sap my youth if that is what they are trying to do.


my boss doesn't harp on the age thing as much as everyone else, but the respect is still so low. i am constantly being taught things i already know how to do, or dictated single sentence messages to send to others, or reminded to do something that i do every single week without fail. agghhh i could go on bitching forever. but i think the big takeaway is that my self-confidence as an adult is leagues higher than as a teenager. i have truly worked so much on myself in the past few years. things like the above treatment don't knock me down and make me question myself like they used to, and so instead it manifests as this rage lol. i think that's at least an indicator of growth. next step is to stop letting stuff like this bother me in any way....

 

4.5

actually why did i not think twice about drinking a full monster at 8pm after i stopped drinking energy drinks for months....guess i will be playing KOTOR 2 all night


had sooo much fun tonight it was amazing meeting new people, @punkreflex and co truly know how to curate a vibe like it should be studied.


p.s. hi to all the flounder-ers i got to meet! ^__^


4.4

having an energy drink for the first time in months bc i had to try the pink sugar free redbull. it's good and i'm not having heart palpitations or anxiety. maybe the key is to drink them in moderation and when i'm already in a good mood...


my depop addiction has come back over these past two weeks. i want nike air rift tabis desperately but they are resold at stupid prices.


i'm kinda making big shmoves in the diabetes prescription department....look forward to learning what that means soon. i'm too paranoid to talk about anything i get my hopes up about until i'm actually successful.


4.2

coworker says he'll be out at a dentist appointment tomorrow so i send him articles of killer dentists. am i in the wrong?


coming to work with new bangs is just begging for attention.


song of the day is crash by gwen stefani


4.1

love when my boss dictates one sentence emails to me to send off instead of, idk, sending them himself.


(i do not love it that was an ol april fools for ya)


3.30

friday night dinner with my brother was so nice ^_^ he's so intelligent and funny. i really hope he gets a good job offer soon.


yesterday i made the worst deviled eggs of my life but i still ate them. when bae got home from work we just played KOTOR for many hours. no spoilers but the story is way crazier than i could've guessed. so good. i need to play more RPGs that are so story-forward.


we watched blue velvet after and i was blown away!! love watching a movie and thinking "why didn't i watch this sooner?"


3.27

tried (and failed) to make a non-sweetened latte and i had a memory of a few summers ago when my italian uncle made me a cup of espresso that was so strong i took one sip and instantly got a headache.


i've been browsing depop all afternoon. found lots of cool stuff but i always feel i'm going to get scammed on there...probably because i was scammed when trying to purchase a thrasher tshirt on depop when i was 16.


--


i made many many phone calls today so i am feeling a slight relief compared to yesterday. i also went home for a bit and saw my mom (wack) and my cat (awesome) and made plans for dinner with the little bro for tomorrow night while he is in town on spring break.


this week i am really feeling the strains of being a financially independent adult and a chronically ill one at that. wahhh there's nothing interesting to even say about that it just sucks. i always feel compelled to vent about my issues but then it really never makes me feel better. you win some, you lose most.


otherwise - i am hyped bc my nespresso order came in today, i got soo many flavors to try including a strawberry white chocolate coffee so we will see how that is! i'm really excited about my haircut next week too, i have been wanting to mix it up for a while now!!!


3.26

most stressful day off work ever #ilovebigpharma


i did do a new set of nails and did french tips for the first time successfully i feel like carmela soprano so at least i stay cunty through it all

(uploaded a pic ^_^)


3.24

today has been good, i always look forward to @punkreflex podcast mondays...tried enchilada soup from the work cafe and it was quite good. i also had white cheddar smartfood popcorn courtesy of gabe! #feelingloved


tonight i will be playing more KOTOR. playing this game feels like a whole new world has opened for me. it's crazy to realize my dearest fallout games would be nowhere without KOTOR truly yet i've just started venturing into this realm....


3.23

had sooo much fun yesterday ^_^ i love making friends and having fun! i guess exercise can also be fun which is something i never normally feel


i am very exhausted today though, i needed a good night sleep after yesterday's events which unfortunately didn't happen. there were several factors why but the big one was our power kept going in/out because of the storm! so things kept beeping and our fan would go off as the power went in and out


it's okay though because i have the time to just rest today...i've been catching up on my youtube videos (very important to me)


i need to set up my mail/chat page here still...


3.22

breakfast today was a trader joe's chocolate muffin and a latte (altissio pod 8/10) while listening to bae play bladee covers on their new fancy guitar


3.21

tonight's plans include thai food (summer rolls, tom kha soup, red curry?) and playing KOTOR until i can't stay awake anymore.


last night was grocery shopping and moving even more stuff from my family's house...i did buy a nespresso which is genuinely life-changing.


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